October 13, 2011
I think it’s finally done this time.

Work is slow, and I’ve been meaning to write ever since I did last time (and have been burning to try since last week).

It seems that this move to Oakland is solidifying a lot of the decisions that I was to weak to deal with before I made the ultimate decision to live here. I want to be a better person and surround myself with better people, and that involves letting go of anyone who will hold me back, guilt be damned. I’ve spent too many years of my life feeling guilty and obligated. I’ve been making a transition and evolving into a different person for the past two years, the climax of which has been these past couple of months. And guess what? You really need to deal with that shit, because if you bury it or try to ignore it, your own questions and uncertainties will fester into negative emotions and bubble up at the most inconvenient times. Like your best friend’s birthday. Man.

I thought I had done a well enough job of dealing with the guilt and hurt that I carried, but really, it isn’t until NOW that I’m reassured. It’s fucking exhilarating, exciting, and I feel a lot less heavy without all that baggage. No more of your lies, broken promises, guilt trips, disappointments, and I finally have enough resilience to say that I wish you well, will look back on the time we were all together fondly, but will also be perfectly okay with never having to see or speak to you again. I think it would be better for everyone, actually. Especially for *ahem* YOU and I. At our worst, we were so destructive. We probably alienated ourselves and DEFINITELY alienated others while we were friends. While I would never wish to be friends again, I also will absolutely be grateful for the experience. But for your sake, I hope you get it together soon. The last time we had a quality conversation, you were in your late 20s, still living with your parents, not even LOOKING for a job, and weren’t even sure if you had fulfilled your graduation requirements for the school you had been attending for FIVE years AFTER coming in AS A TRANSFER STUDENT. Blegh. That makes me sound bitter. Well, I’m not here to condemn anyone or defend my words. But, just, really— you could be so successful if you just had the motivation.

Oh, and as for you. Um. Sorry? That’s all I can say. You didn’t deserve much of what you dealt with. Especially anything you got from me— you were pretty much a victim caught in the crossfire. But I also can’t feel too bad for you, because you signed up to put up shit like that voluntarily with a best friend like that. But also, have some self-respect, man. Some of the bullshit you put up with, and went out of your way to respond to… you’re better than that. Anyway. The fun times we had were great. Lots of superficial adventures, with lots of real good times and real fun. I hope your life is fulfilling and happy.

Huh. That subject is not all I wanted to write about, but I don’t think I can write any more. Welp. Baby steps, I guess.

5:27pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9VyAdza33
August 13, 2011

the skin around my face is raw. i’m tired of crying.

1:02pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9Vy8GhgIF
July 31, 2011
My back hurts.

Spent all of yesterday hanging out and being a non-productive member of society. Day drinking! Margaritas on the roof! Patron shots! Oh, and a late-night boost job. Boooooosted. haha.

It’s getting closer and closer, and moving out/jobs/cover letters/interviews/$$$$$$$$ is really all that consumes my mind. That is, when I’m not chasing away my worries with shots of tequila on the roof with some of my most favorite people. I had this overwhelming feeling of cariño yesterday lying on the mattress up there, watching the clouds go by. Their conversation and laughter was a nice soundtrack to the formulation of my thoughts; my life is exponentially better for having met these people and coming to Berkeley, and I’m going to be so sad the day I turn in my keys to this apartment. I didn’t think it would happen, but over these past couple of years I realize I’ve nestled into this space and made myself another home. Didn’t think that would happen after The Trio.

Which makes me even more nostalgic. I heard from Sandra the other day about how S’s habit of secluding himself and not returning phone calls or text messages of concern is distancing. He’s alienating himself. I love (loved?) him so much, but he has a bad habit of alienating himself and the people that care about him. He’s paralyzed with The Fear and he doesn’t care enough about anything to stop his stagnation. Because that’s what’s happening here— his life is fucking stagnant. And it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t care enough about himself or even his only support system in this world. He’s going to be alone soon, losing friends, losing his boyfriend, shrinking away from his family… and after living with him and being as close as we once were, I know being alone is something he doesn’t do well. He’s self-destructing and there’s nothing to do but sit and watch, because no one can get you out of this kind of situation— you have to want it for yourself.

He’s been coming up in my thoughts a lot recently and I think it’s because of this transitional period that I’m in now. Moving in with Sandra, preparing for work and The Real World, talking to our respective boyfriends about living with each other… it’s just another part of life: evolving, growing, maturing. We’re growing up and leaving him behind with increasing speed. How can you still be a student??? 5 years here as a transfer student??? And you don’t have even a part-time job? Yeah. I know it’s harsh, but don’t look to me to comfort you when you start talking about how much of a loser you and and how alone you feel. You did this to yourself. You’ve been given more than enough of the support, love, and opportunity you need to get out of this rut. Instead you just laid down and let all those things atrophy into non-existence.

As for me, I’m doing all I can to make this work. I’m excited for new things. And excited to live in a place where I don’t have to worry about my face wash or food being stolen, lol. But I am gonna miss this place a lot. I think this is the last time I’m going to have a twin bed, too. Where A is currently sleeping soundly. I don’t know why I got the urge to write all of a sudden, but I’m all for feeding into this need and maybe starting up writing regularly. As spastic as my updates have been, I still hope it’ll become more of a habit. For right now though I just got out of the shower and am fresh and clean, ready to crawl back into bed with him. Cheesy? Yeah, lol. But I love getting under the covers and falling asleep with my leg between his, wrapped up in his arms. Sigh. Disgusting. Madly in love. 

<3

12:06pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9Vy7klCq9
July 14, 2011
The Fear

I haven’t allowed myself to stop for a while. These days I surround myself with worries about the future, with worries about the present. With others, with partying, with things to do… with him. He’s my favorite distraction.

But you can’t run from everything for too long. I’ve been scared a lot in my life… even when I felt strong, beneath it all I’ve always been terrified.I faked it. And what’s going on in my life right now and what’s to come in the near future is going to be the ultimate test of whether I learned anything from that fear. I’m proud of the fact that I’m at least progressing. A conversation with a friend from the past has shown me just how debilitating that fear can be. It can strengthen you or it can crush you, and there’s no one but yourself to hold accountable for which route you choose.

It’s time to grow up. Time to face it all. Time to be scared and use that fear and face the world instead of letting yourself hide behind it, like so many do. Be angry, be passionate, FIGHT for what you want.

Christ, I sound like a fucking self-help book.Is that Survivor playing in the background? When did I become so disconnected with my thoughts that my words don’t exactly match what I’m trying to say? Well, that’s another thing to work on as well. Add it to the list. For now, in the words of Mr. Boyd, “Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes”.

5:14am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9Vy75XQL7
(Notes: 1)
  
March 26, 2011

(via nuclearmedicine)

4:25pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9Vy3rIGi7
(Notes: 510)
  
March 26, 2011
still reeling

Saturday, March 26, 20011. 10:18 A.M.

“Isn’t it nice when the weather matches your mood?”

Rain has been following me for the past week. The last time I saw the sun was on the 17th, the afternoon my head cleared and the rush of endorphines never stopped. I aced my poli sci midterm when 12 hours earlier I was 5 hyperventilated breaths away from a full-blown panic attack. Tea, cigarrettes, and Sandra saved my soul. Jesus, I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous for a midterm—butterflies, shaky hands, and flustered as fuck. But I handed in my bluebook relieved, and headed home to ride the wave of good feelings and get on my way to Fresno. Music, clean, pack, a happy goodbye to Sandra, a farewell hit from Roxy’s Rome. A cutesy phone conversation with him at the train station that made me smile. He accompanied me from the minute I got on the platform to the minute my train arrived, a happy accident. Great train ride (music, scenery, hiigghhh), awesome welcome (drunk people and hiiiggghhh), and an amazing, restful sleep where I marinated in all this good feeling. 

But, Friday.

Man.

That’s really kind of fucked up.

“I’m being an animal right now, I know”

Is this non-negotiable? The fact that you recognize this about yourself but aren’t willing to change is. Do you even THINK you need to reevaluate this? Or do you think it’s fine that you treat people this way. 

And so. Yeah. It’s been rainy and windy in Fresno too, except for a few brief moments of sun, music, driving and shopping. Those were nice surprises. But now I’m left with questions. What is it that I want? Is it even possible to go back to what was before? Should I? Why would we? For what… 5 more months? Is it smarter to just stop now? Should I continue any type of relationship with a person that thinks that way? 

The troube is, deep down I know you are a good person. Maybe that’s why I subjected myself to the possibility of this; I always think your goodness will always take over when it comes to me, because I’m sooo special. lol. Ay, me. I’ve learned quite a lot about myself lately, one of them being that I am 1) too trusting, and 2) I expect maybe too much from people because I expect them to treat me like I treat them. This isn’t an egocentric statement for flattery’s sake, it’s just fact: in my naietivity, I am too trusting and will bend over backwards to help the people I care about when that might not be what they need. And it’s not because they’re bad people or because they’ve treated me badly, it’s just because it’s not smart to do that in a new relationship (and I’m talking all types of relationships here). 

I’m overwhelming myself. I need to stop here. I can’t. Baby steps, self. Baby steps.

3:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZkL9Vy3rBlEQ