Work is slow, and I’ve been meaning to write ever since I did last time (and have been burning to try since last week).
It seems that this move to Oakland is solidifying a lot of the decisions that I was to weak to deal with before I made the ultimate decision to live here. I want to be a better person and surround myself with better people, and that involves letting go of anyone who will hold me back, guilt be damned. I’ve spent too many years of my life feeling guilty and obligated. I’ve been making a transition and evolving into a different person for the past two years, the climax of which has been these past couple of months. And guess what? You really need to deal with that shit, because if you bury it or try to ignore it, your own questions and uncertainties will fester into negative emotions and bubble up at the most inconvenient times. Like your best friend’s birthday. Man.
I thought I had done a well enough job of dealing with the guilt and hurt that I carried, but really, it isn’t until NOW that I’m reassured. It’s fucking exhilarating, exciting, and I feel a lot less heavy without all that baggage. No more of your lies, broken promises, guilt trips, disappointments, and I finally have enough resilience to say that I wish you well, will look back on the time we were all together fondly, but will also be perfectly okay with never having to see or speak to you again. I think it would be better for everyone, actually. Especially for *ahem* YOU and I. At our worst, we were so destructive. We probably alienated ourselves and DEFINITELY alienated others while we were friends. While I would never wish to be friends again, I also will absolutely be grateful for the experience. But for your sake, I hope you get it together soon. The last time we had a quality conversation, you were in your late 20s, still living with your parents, not even LOOKING for a job, and weren’t even sure if you had fulfilled your graduation requirements for the school you had been attending for FIVE years AFTER coming in AS A TRANSFER STUDENT. Blegh. That makes me sound bitter. Well, I’m not here to condemn anyone or defend my words. But, just, really— you could be so successful if you just had the motivation.
Oh, and as for you. Um. Sorry? That’s all I can say. You didn’t deserve much of what you dealt with. Especially anything you got from me— you were pretty much a victim caught in the crossfire. But I also can’t feel too bad for you, because you signed up to put up shit like that voluntarily with a best friend like that. But also, have some self-respect, man. Some of the bullshit you put up with, and went out of your way to respond to… you’re better than that. Anyway. The fun times we had were great. Lots of superficial adventures, with lots of real good times and real fun. I hope your life is fulfilling and happy.
Huh. That subject is not all I wanted to write about, but I don’t think I can write any more. Welp. Baby steps, I guess.
