Saturday, March 26, 20011. 10:18 A.M.
“Isn’t it nice when the weather matches your mood?”
Rain has been following me for the past week. The last time I saw the sun was on the 17th, the afternoon my head cleared and the rush of endorphines never stopped. I aced my poli sci midterm when 12 hours earlier I was 5 hyperventilated breaths away from a full-blown panic attack. Tea, cigarrettes, and Sandra saved my soul. Jesus, I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous for a midterm—butterflies, shaky hands, and flustered as fuck. But I handed in my bluebook relieved, and headed home to ride the wave of good feelings and get on my way to Fresno. Music, clean, pack, a happy goodbye to Sandra, a farewell hit from Roxy’s Rome. A cutesy phone conversation with him at the train station that made me smile. He accompanied me from the minute I got on the platform to the minute my train arrived, a happy accident. Great train ride (music, scenery, hiigghhh), awesome welcome (drunk people and hiiiggghhh), and an amazing, restful sleep where I marinated in all this good feeling.
But, Friday.
Man.
That’s really kind of fucked up.
“I’m being an animal right now, I know”
Is this non-negotiable? The fact that you recognize this about yourself but aren’t willing to change is. Do you even THINK you need to reevaluate this? Or do you think it’s fine that you treat people this way.
And so. Yeah. It’s been rainy and windy in Fresno too, except for a few brief moments of sun, music, driving and shopping. Those were nice surprises. But now I’m left with questions. What is it that I want? Is it even possible to go back to what was before? Should I? Why would we? For what… 5 more months? Is it smarter to just stop now? Should I continue any type of relationship with a person that thinks that way?
The troube is, deep down I know you are a good person. Maybe that’s why I subjected myself to the possibility of this; I always think your goodness will always take over when it comes to me, because I’m sooo special. lol. Ay, me. I’ve learned quite a lot about myself lately, one of them being that I am 1) too trusting, and 2) I expect maybe too much from people because I expect them to treat me like I treat them. This isn’t an egocentric statement for flattery’s sake, it’s just fact: in my naietivity, I am too trusting and will bend over backwards to help the people I care about when that might not be what they need. And it’s not because they’re bad people or because they’ve treated me badly, it’s just because it’s not smart to do that in a new relationship (and I’m talking all types of relationships here).
I’m overwhelming myself. I need to stop here. I can’t. Baby steps, self. Baby steps.
