Spent all of yesterday hanging out and being a non-productive member of society. Day drinking! Margaritas on the roof! Patron shots! Oh, and a late-night boost job. Boooooosted. haha.
It’s getting closer and closer, and moving out/jobs/cover letters/interviews/$$$$$$$$ is really all that consumes my mind. That is, when I’m not chasing away my worries with shots of tequila on the roof with some of my most favorite people. I had this overwhelming feeling of cariño yesterday lying on the mattress up there, watching the clouds go by. Their conversation and laughter was a nice soundtrack to the formulation of my thoughts; my life is exponentially better for having met these people and coming to Berkeley, and I’m going to be so sad the day I turn in my keys to this apartment. I didn’t think it would happen, but over these past couple of years I realize I’ve nestled into this space and made myself another home. Didn’t think that would happen after The Trio.
Which makes me even more nostalgic. I heard from Sandra the other day about how S’s habit of secluding himself and not returning phone calls or text messages of concern is distancing. He’s alienating himself. I love (loved?) him so much, but he has a bad habit of alienating himself and the people that care about him. He’s paralyzed with The Fear and he doesn’t care enough about anything to stop his stagnation. Because that’s what’s happening here— his life is fucking stagnant. And it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t care enough about himself or even his only support system in this world. He’s going to be alone soon, losing friends, losing his boyfriend, shrinking away from his family… and after living with him and being as close as we once were, I know being alone is something he doesn’t do well. He’s self-destructing and there’s nothing to do but sit and watch, because no one can get you out of this kind of situation— you have to want it for yourself.
He’s been coming up in my thoughts a lot recently and I think it’s because of this transitional period that I’m in now. Moving in with Sandra, preparing for work and The Real World, talking to our respective boyfriends about living with each other… it’s just another part of life: evolving, growing, maturing. We’re growing up and leaving him behind with increasing speed. How can you still be a student??? 5 years here as a transfer student??? And you don’t have even a part-time job? Yeah. I know it’s harsh, but don’t look to me to comfort you when you start talking about how much of a loser you and and how alone you feel. You did this to yourself. You’ve been given more than enough of the support, love, and opportunity you need to get out of this rut. Instead you just laid down and let all those things atrophy into non-existence.
As for me, I’m doing all I can to make this work. I’m excited for new things. And excited to live in a place where I don’t have to worry about my face wash or food being stolen, lol. But I am gonna miss this place a lot. I think this is the last time I’m going to have a twin bed, too. Where A is currently sleeping soundly. I don’t know why I got the urge to write all of a sudden, but I’m all for feeding into this need and maybe starting up writing regularly. As spastic as my updates have been, I still hope it’ll become more of a habit. For right now though I just got out of the shower and am fresh and clean, ready to crawl back into bed with him. Cheesy? Yeah, lol. But I love getting under the covers and falling asleep with my leg between his, wrapped up in his arms. Sigh. Disgusting. Madly in love.
<3
